Strength-schmangth

Every so often the realization hits me: I threw my best friend a baby shower 2 weeks after I had a miscarriage.

Holy shit people.

I’m not even sure how I did that. I do know that she is probably one of the only people  in the entire world that I could have done that for. If it was anyone else, I quite possibly would not have even been able to *attend* their baby shower.

Someone might point out that I was just being “strong”, but I can tell you right now that it’s probably not the case. I think it was most likely the power of my love for her and her peanut and also probably a hefty dose of numbness from the intensity of grief.

Regardless of how I pulled it off, I deserve a fucking medal for being such a fucking awesome friend.  (I know she appreciates it. This is my version of flexing in a mirror, since I won’t actually do it because it annoys the shit out of me when Oswald does it (all the damn time!)) (I love you Goober!)

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Someone please check on me December 6th. That was my twins due date and I know I won’t be ok. I will be at work that day, but it’s going to be rough. I will probably be holding my shit together with a prayer and a paperclip.

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I really need to post some funny shit on here soon. This shit’s depressing as fuck.

Too bad I’m trying to stay “incognito” because I want to post a link to my hilarious-ass Pinterest board like Jenny does, because Dayum I pin some funny-ass shit.  And a hell of a lot more often than she does. If you’re reading this, there is a 99% chance you know me, so go check out my boards and laugh your ass off. You’re welcome.

My inner super hero is the OLD Hulk. Not the regular Hulk when he’s old, but his curmudgeonly grandfather.

Most people morph into their parents as they age… not me. I skipped a whole generation and am turning into my crabby (but lovable) grandfather.

I’m reading a book where the main character lives in the same apartment as Claude Debussy in 1891- she actually lives directly above him and her brother, who is friends with Claude, told her that La damoiselle élue is written about her (she looks like a Rossetti (founder of the Pre-Raphaelite movement) painting). ANYWAYS. This sounds super-familiar… but I can’t think of what the song actually sounds like. I look it up on my music service, but it’s not pulling up any suggestions. I finally found it just a little bit ago and started playing it.

The title is familiar, but the song is not at all.

It’s actually really annoying.

Holy crap, I’m turning into a crotchety old man!

 

Okay, I’m not sure if the song as it is written is annoying (chords) or if the singer is just horrible or what. The singer is horrible. She sounds like when I had to find wedding music to sing and could only find what we refer to as “little old church ladies” (not an actual insult- just used to describe) singing bad opera-style.

I have noticed lately, in the last several months or so, getting that nails-on-a-chalkboard feeling from certain songs that have strange chords- mostly “modern” classical… and I do start getting impatient with the music after a short while and have to hurry up and change the song because I am inexplicably on the verge of anger and annoyance. I find myself shorter-tempered while listening to certain songs, even if I normally like that song (any type of  music). Sometimes I just feel like “I don’t have time for this shit” when listening to new songs that I’ve never heard before if I’m not instantly grooving.

I don’t know if my lack of audio-tolerance is from getting older or just crankier or maybe even from spending so many years at karaoke, being forced to listen to awful song choices or singers…

 

I did find a better version of La damoiselle élue that is performed by Victoria de los Angeles, who is actually a very talented singer whom I enjoy. She is on several tracks of one of my favorite opera CD’s. I think with that version before, it was a combination of bad singing and some wonky chords. I stuck it out thru this one, even though I was starting to feel the rage creeping in once that 13:51 mark hit with the wonky chords. Not sure if it was worth it. It only got vaguely better after another minute or so.

Meh. Deleted from playlist.

 

 

Side note: if you don’t know who Claude Debussy is, fucking go read a book. Google that shit. You’re really missing out on life. He wrote Clair de Lune, which is a totally gorgeous piano piece. Also, Google “Pre-Raphaelite” if you don’t know what that is either. It’s one of my favorite styles of painting.

I really worry about people in this day and age. Probably because I’m a crotchety old man at heart.

Retraction

I take it back.

Those of you subscribed (oh ye precious few) who got an email with that last post- there is no cause for alarm. 

Oswald sat me down for a huge discussion and I’m feeling a lot better. 

Sometimes being alone with my thoughts is the scariest thing of all. 

 

Thank you, Cakes, for your phone call across state-lines. It means so much to hear your angry-in-love voice. I love you so much. 

 

ok, I’m faling alseep now from that vicodin ai took for my massive headach from crying so mcuh..

I’m ok tho.

Why do I want kids?

I just read an article about why women are choosing not to have kids. It’s very interesting and I even agree with some of them. But then I asked myself WHY do I want kids? And promptly blanked-out.

uhhh…. is it more than just primal instinct? Crap. Why do I want kids again? I know there’s gotta be multiple reasons! Yes, there is the biological need to have a baby that is screaming around inside my brain, but there’s definitely more reasons that I can’t even think of right now. I actually started wondering if maybe God answered my prayer of “If having children is not in my future, please take away this incredibly strong desire to have them.” But nope. It’s still there. (I actually do a self-awareness check for that exact thing every couple weeks, but the desire is always always there.)

So I started looking online. Google-searched “Why I want to have kids” to see if someone else can articulate it for me. No such luck. It only pulled up “Why I don’t want to have kids“. What the hell! I know there’s a shit-ton of mommybloggers on here that will tell you a million ways to Sunday why having kids is the bee’s knees.

My brain thankfully started working on its own again. I don’t want a baby to “save” my marriage, or to have someone to “love” me or “because that’s what everyone’s supposed to do” or because “everyone around me is having kids” (which they totally are, but that’s not why I want one)… Not only do I have a child-shaped hole in my metaphorical heart, I really honestly feel like kids are missing from my life. I know my child(ren) are going to be amazing, unique individuals and I can’t wait to meet them. No matter what happens (disability, etc) I know that I will feel 100% blessed by God to have that child in my life. I actually look forward to being pregnant- with all the joys and the discomforts. Delivery does not scare me. Teething, diaper changing, fussy nights, terrible twos, the teenage years… I welcome all of it. I will receive all of those experiences with a grateful heart. I will gladly give up sleep, sanity (not much left), entertainment, private bathroom breaks, my job (haha),  everything to raise my kids.

I definitely understand why some people don’t want to be parents. It’s a life-long commitment. It’s expensive. If you have a great career or travel a lot, it probably is not something you want to give up. Some people have kids because they think they are supposed to and end up resenting or ignoring their kids. Raising children is not for everyone and I respect people who chose not to have children. I think there’s thousands of people who are parents but don’t deserve to be. Like the woman who super-glued her 2 yr old’s hand to the wall and then beat the shit out of the kid until she was unconscious. Or the meth-head who put her infant in the fucking washing machine and then passed out. Why are they blessed with children that they are just going to abuse/neglect/kill but I can’t carry a baby to full-term?

Either way, I still want a baby. And I really haven’t done shit towards having one. I still have a ton of weight to lose before I should re-start infertility treatments. Time is marching on and I’m only getting older and losing more potentially viable eggs…

*Up* Syndrome…

I’m trying to read a blog post by a woman who 2 years ago gave birth to a precious little baby girl who has Downs Syndrome. She didn’t know her baby would have it until she held her baby for the first time.

…and while I can understand what she’s going through, her baby is not what she expected at all, I feel like she’s being so selfish. I would consider myself so incredibly blessed to have a baby with Downs. Of course I want my baby to be healthy and “normal” but I would feel equally blessed just to have that baby in my life, no matter what was “wrong” with it.

Now that I’m 30 and theoretically half my life is gone, I’m trying so hard not to go into panic-mode about not being able to have a successful pregnancy resulting in a real-live-baby. As long as my baby is born alive and with promise of a long life ahead, the day I give birth will be the happiest day of my life, regardless of whatever challenges lie ahead. There is nothing that I want more in this life than to be a mommy. Not just a cat-mom and a dog-mom, but an actual mom. I have a gigantic baby-sized hole in my heart from the 3 that I lost.

Please, God: please let this be the year.

 

 

Ok, finished reading the whole thing- it took a while because I was in serious danger of crying my eyes out at work. She is thankful now, but just had a hard time accepting it the first day of her daughter’s life… Still, I say “lucky bitch”.

…Inspiration to lose weight?

My sister and I officially started tracking our calories again yesterday (on a new website- the old one started to suck hard after some changes they made). I have mine set up so that I theoretically should be losing around 2lbs per week… we’ll see how that goes. Last year I was able to lose 21 lbs with minimal effort, but that also happens when you are already morbidly obese… I stopped drinking all soda and started making better decisions about food. No exercise, no nothing else really.

After my last miscarriage (twins) I kinda fell off the wagon.  I’ve been so miserable & depressed, I can’t help but slide back into self-destructive behavior. I’m not a cutter, I’m an eater. Also I started feeling guilty about not spending much money at karaoke- I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol and I usually have to drive far-the-fuck-away so I really don’t want to get caught with a DUI or something (I’m a lightweight). So I started drinking soda again… and then I slowly started eating really junky food again. And then I gained back 10 out of the 21 lbs that I had lost.

It’s been seriously hard to find the motivation to start eating healthy again. Chances are I won’t be able to have a baby until I lose a significant amount of weight, but there is always the possibility that I won’t be able to have a baby even if I do lose a significant amount of weight and get my BMI back down to healthy levels… so you see my catch 22. We did 13 different blood tests  because of repeat miscarriages (although I’m not sure if we actually did some of the ones that I personally should have with my health background) and none of the tests came back with anything  suggesting that that was the cause of the miscarriages. Either we need to do MORE testing, or I really need to lose weight to make this happen. I should want to be healthy for my baby anyways… well, healthier. I’ll still always have a whole plethora of health problems, fat or no fat.

Anyways- I enjoy baking. I love to collect baking items and accessories. I go to the Wilton Tent Sale on occasion (when I remember it’s going on) and I love to browse online and in stores for new baking stuff. EVERYtime I see the cake pans that are in various shapes and there is the #1 pan, like for a baby’s 1st birthday, it knocks the wind out of me and just hits me right in the feelings. I want that! Why can’t I have that?! Why not me?! When’s it gonna be my turn? It’s worse than seeing a random pregnant woman show up. It reminds me how badly I want to have a baby and that I’ll possibly never get to throw a 1st birthday party for my own baby.

So today when I saw it on the Joann’s website on sale, after much deliberation, I decided to finally buy it. Maybe having it will remind me why exactly I’m trying to lose weight. And then if the miracle of all miracles happens, then I can use it for my baby’s 1st birthday party that I so desperately want to throw.

Songs that give me good chills

The 1 perk about having depression/anxiety disorder: it allows you to feel art/music/movies/books way more passionately. These are some of the songs that move me.

Ludwig Von Beethoven: Piano Trio No. 4 “Ghost”

Muse: Take a Bow

Weezer: Only in Dreams (the instrumental 2nd half of the  song)

Lila Downs: Paloma Negra and Burn it Blue (with Caetano Veloso)

Sergei Rachmaninoff: Piano Concertos-  No. 2 and No. 3 (videos coming soon… there’s a lot to choose from on YouTube and both concertos are huge with multiple parts)

Also- I will post more as I think of them.