…Inspiration to lose weight?

My sister and I officially started tracking our calories again yesterday (on a new website- the old one started to suck hard after some changes they made). I have mine set up so that I theoretically should be losing around 2lbs per week… we’ll see how that goes. Last year I was able to lose 21 lbs with minimal effort, but that also happens when you are already morbidly obese… I stopped drinking all soda and started making better decisions about food. No exercise, no nothing else really.

After my last miscarriage (twins) I kinda fell off the wagon.  I’ve been so miserable & depressed, I can’t help but slide back into self-destructive behavior. I’m not a cutter, I’m an eater. Also I started feeling guilty about not spending much money at karaoke- I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol and I usually have to drive far-the-fuck-away so I really don’t want to get caught with a DUI or something (I’m a lightweight). So I started drinking soda again… and then I slowly started eating really junky food again. And then I gained back 10 out of the 21 lbs that I had lost.

It’s been seriously hard to find the motivation to start eating healthy again. Chances are I won’t be able to have a baby until I lose a significant amount of weight, but there is always the possibility that I won’t be able to have a baby even if I do lose a significant amount of weight and get my BMI back down to healthy levels… so you see my catch 22. We did 13 different blood tests  because of repeat miscarriages (although I’m not sure if we actually did some of the ones that I personally should have with my health background) and none of the tests came back with anything  suggesting that that was the cause of the miscarriages. Either we need to do MORE testing, or I really need to lose weight to make this happen. I should want to be healthy for my baby anyways… well, healthier. I’ll still always have a whole plethora of health problems, fat or no fat.

Anyways- I enjoy baking. I love to collect baking items and accessories. I go to the Wilton Tent Sale on occasion (when I remember it’s going on) and I love to browse online and in stores for new baking stuff. EVERYtime I see the cake pans that are in various shapes and there is the #1 pan, like for a baby’s 1st birthday, it knocks the wind out of me and just hits me right in the feelings. I want that! Why can’t I have that?! Why not me?! When’s it gonna be my turn? It’s worse than seeing a random pregnant woman show up. It reminds me how badly I want to have a baby and that I’ll possibly never get to throw a 1st birthday party for my own baby.

So today when I saw it on the Joann’s website on sale, after much deliberation, I decided to finally buy it. Maybe having it will remind me why exactly I’m trying to lose weight. And then if the miracle of all miracles happens, then I can use it for my baby’s 1st birthday party that I so desperately want to throw.

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Songs that give me good chills

The 1 perk about having depression/anxiety disorder: it allows you to feel art/music/movies/books way more passionately. These are some of the songs that move me.

Ludwig Von Beethoven: Piano Trio No. 4 “Ghost”

Muse: Take a Bow

Weezer: Only in Dreams (the instrumental 2nd half of the  song)

Lila Downs: Paloma Negra and Burn it Blue (with Caetano Veloso)

Sergei Rachmaninoff: Piano Concertos-  No. 2 and No. 3 (videos coming soon… there’s a lot to choose from on YouTube and both concertos are huge with multiple parts)

Also- I will post more as I think of them.

Ass-flavored energy for sale

My sister thought I needed to blog this…

We were talking during Karaoke one night last weekend and somehow I remembered that I had brought her the 5-hr energy that I didn’t finish because I couldn’t choke the rest down, but she downs that stuff all the time.

Her: How old are these?

Me: I have no idea. They’ve been sitting in my drawer for a while. They don’t go bad. There’s nothing in them to spoil.

Her: Yes, they have vitamins in them…

Me: Vitamins don’t spoil. They just get less potent. I can’t drink them. They taste like Sweet-N-Low, which I already hate, minus the Sweet. I can’t handle the after taste. (My throat literally closes on stuff like that, and my gag-reflex kicks in: my body is refusing to consume it.)

Her: <takes a swig> Ew. Why did you get this flavor? I always get pomegranate. That’s the least icky flavor.

Me: They didn’t have pomegranate… they had this. And “Ass”.

Her: <laughing> What flavor is “Ass”?

Me: I’m not sure. I think it’s supposed to be grape or some shit they just made up. It’s like they had no idea what actual fruit flavor tastes like.

I guess they can’t market it as just being “chemically” flavored, even though that’s what it tastes like.

Low blow to start off my day

I started my day today just checking the headlines on my yahoo front page, seeing if there is anything worth reading.  I see this story about babies being abandoned in Greece, Italy & Germany (All over Europe, but focusing in on these 3) because the economy is so bad and so many people are now at poverty level and can’t afford to feed the children they have or clothe them or keep a roof over their own head. It’s a horrible thing that these women must be feeling to have to give up their children to survive and in hopes that someone else can take better care of their child so that it can survive too. Can you just imagine?

My first thought was “Ok, I need to go to some country in Europe- there’s thousands of babies now to adopt and I can give one a good home.” But then my own brain kicks in and I can’t help but think: I can afford to have a baby. To raise it and feed it and give it a home to live in and clothes to dress it in… but I can’t have a baby because I am infertile. All these fertile women are being forced to give up their babies, but they can make all kinds more if they really wanted to (and probably will- if you can’t afford food, you can’t afford birth control), and my body won’t not kill a baby trying to grow inside of it. It’s fucked up, but that’s my brain.

And then another headline catches my eye: Paranormal State’s Ryan Buell is diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Wait, WHAT?! When did this happen? OMG. How awful. I used to watch his show ALL the time. Oswald used to get all “you don’t really believe this stuff, do you?” – totally skeptical, trying to call out everything on screen. I loved that show. I had a huge crush on Ryan. He’s my age. And Pancreatic Cancer is a really tough one to beat. Remember in that movie “Space Cowboys”- Tommy Lee Jones’ character had Pancreatic Cancer and knowing it was fatal, he volunteered to fly off with the satellite and land it on the moon so it wouldn’t go crashing to the earth or explode and hurt anyone? And the last shot was that he made it, sitting on the moon, presumably dead or enjoying his last view of the earth before succumbing to death. Patrick “the Swayz” Swayze died from Pancreatic Cancer. Steve Jobs died from Pancreatic Cancer. I’m already vulnerable from the first story, but after seeing this one, I seriously burst into tears. I can’t help it. Both stories just hit too close to home for me. And then I see this picture. And this one. And I’m really bawling by this time. I can’t stop because the world is just so unbelievably fucking unfair.

I’m sorry for 2 depressing posts in a row. No I’m not. It’s my blog and I created it to get my feelings out so they don’t fester inside and I have another nervous breakdown (4 years “sane” this month! whoo-hoo! <eye-roll>).

If you read this, please say a prayer for the abandoned or starving children of Europe- innocent victims who were born into an extraordinarily shitty economy. And say a prayer for Ryan.

One-way ticket to insanity

I can’t take anymore of these flies in my house.

I hate flies so much- I’ve always hated them and thought they were disgusting because they walk all over garbage and poop and then want to land on your or in your food. Oswald makes fun of me because if there are flies around (or A fly in the house) I will cover my drink or my food so that it can’t be compromised by fly-nasties. I refer to myself as “The fly-assassin” because I’m really good at killing flies with whatever is within reach and even my bare hands if I have to. As long as it lands and it’s not way over head where I can’t reach it (although I do climb if I can), that’s a dead fly.

Earlier this summer I witnessed first-hand a case of “fly-strike” on 2 unbelievably precious baby cottontails. I was wondering what was wrong with these little bunnies that were out of their nest, looking like they were sunning themselves, but kind of hopping around in the little grassy area in a drunken manner- they were old enough (between 2 & 3 weeks old) that their eyes were open and they had all their fur, so they should have been moving around like a normal rabbit -and they just let me pick them right up!

Imagine that: a wild animal- just not even caring if you handle it! and a ridiculously cute one to boot. They each were about 4 inches long- just nestled in perfectly in the palm of your hand. Light as a feather, delicate as an antique china tea cup, soft as… well, they’re rabbits. You ever felt rabbit fur before? Beautifully soft, right?

…And then you notice the baby bunny is wet underneath and so you gently turn it over in your hands to find a wound on it’s belly, right next to one of it’s back legs. You panic. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, this poor little precious is injured! You bring it in to try to find something to put it in so that you can figure out what to do with it. Empty kleenex box works just great, just tear the top off, this baby’s not gonna jump out… Start frantically researching online what to do with injured baby cottontails and places that will take them (vet? wildlife center?) while still holding the kleenex box with the baby bunny in it because you’re afraid to put it down.

And then your boss comes over to see the baby and you flip it over to show her the wound… and you suddenly see maggots crawling in and out of it. The complete horror of that sight is burned into your memory forever. It’s something that you see when you close your eyes. Something that pops up in your brain randomly when you least expect it and the revulsion and torment of the vision send chills thru you and waves of nausea sweep over you.

You think I’m being overly dramatic. I’m not.

I went back outside to check on the 2nd baby bunny and it was even worse off than the 1st. It was  just barely clinging to life- it responded when I brushed it’s cheek with my fingertip and would move a tiny bit, but it was already becoming stiff. Long story short, the owner of my company (bless his heart for this- I forgive him for paying me bupkis for almost 4 years because of this deed) took them to a wildlife center in the area that is known for their rehabilitation skills.

ANYWAYS. Ever since then, my hatred of flies has grown a thousand-fold. I kill them with even more pleasure and violence than before. But now my house is infested with Green Bottle Flies. I’ve looked all over the fucking internet on how to get rid of them, but nothing seems to help. One of my aunts suggested a type and brand of fly trap that works wonders for her yard, so I actually left the house after I had already been home from work and had taken off my bra. You know that means I’m serious about ridding my house of these things. I put my bra back on and went to Home Despot, where I normally won’t shop because it smells like sawdust and is really dry and you can never find anyone to help you and you always have to park far away, to buy this type and brand of trap she suggested and brought it home and set it up. It smells, but not as bad as I thought.

3 days later, this trap has caught exactly 1 fly. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

These flies aren’t attracted to any food or garbage (although my sister did find maggots in the garbage can while we were on vacation and dutifully dragged it down to the garage and even picked up the maggots that had fallen out. I have not found a single maggot or larvae or pupae or ANYTHING since then. Only adult flies. And they’re only attracted to the light. So if I’m home during the day, I pull up all the blinds and slam away at numerous flies on the windows. At night I have to be careful to keep doors closed and which lights are turned on so that the flies aren’t in every single room. I kill as many that land as I can and am getting decently good at slamming some out of the air and then finding them stunned on the ground to smash them. It’s kind of hard though when all your flooring is dark…  Oswald thinks I’m out of my mind because I get all edgy and nag-y when he leaves the bedroom door open when the bedroom light is on. I can’t help it. The bedroom has to be my safe-haven. I can’t sleep knowing there might be flies buzzing around me, possibly crawling on me, infecting me with their plagues, laying eggs on me to hatch into maggots that will burrow under my skin and eat me from the inside out…

According to the internets, this type of fly likes to lay it’s eggs in freshly rotting meat, like a newly dead animal. Or like raw chicken in the garbage can. As far as I can tell, we don’t have any dead animals and the trash has been taken out numerous times. I’ve searched all over the house looking for where they could possibly be coming from but have yet to find anything. Besides insanity.

So upset

Today I blocked a family member off of facebook.

For me, that is a HUGE deal. Family means everything to me. This particular family member just willfully refuses to get what I am trying to say. She is so caught up in her own self-righteousness that she can’t see the world beyond her own nose. I can’t take the militant and judgmental attitude anymore. I just can’t.

I think that with everything I’ve been through the last few years, I just have zero tolerance for bullshit. I am not normally like this. My siblings are the overly-dramatic, all-or-nothing types (you know you are. Don’t you go getting all offended at me too. I need you.). I’m the calm one. The peace-keeper. The one that random elderly people love so dearly because of being such a “sweetheart”. I see how my siblings (and even parents sometimes, and several aunts actually) are and I try to keep it reasonable, because family is so important. They are blood, they are part of your heritage… But I am stressed-the-fuck-out and I don’t need your poisonous attitude and comments. I tried hiding her from my newsfeed, but she kept over-commenting her intolerance and judgement on my posts and making me feel like I’m not allowed to my own point of view. “With me or against me” type of attitude. You know what? Fuck it. I don’t need that.

This was really hard to do. This woman was like a 2nd mother to me. She loved me like I was her own before she got married and had her own kids. I don’t know if she just got more of a zealot and fanatic over the years, or if her husband turned her that way, or maybe I just didn’t notice it before because I was a little kid.

I even removed myself off of a private family page that she was on, just so that we wouldn’t accidentally cross paths. I previously threatened to delete my facebook page, so maybe she’ll think I actually followed thru with it… Her own daughter did it several times, why can’t I? I need a break from her. She’s a grudge-holder by nature, so it’s going to be a while before everything is back to normal. (hey, aren’t christians supposed to be forgiving? wtf is up with that?!) There is a very good chance that I may not actually see her for the next year, so this could turn out to be not so bad. I have hope that someday our relationship can be fixed.

I am so upset right now I can’t even sleep. It’s now after 1am and it’s Monday and I have to work this morning. Some days, I think I need to take up alcoholism… or pills… a little “Judy Garland trail-mix” sounds great right now…

 

hot and bitchy…

Oswald’s watching Men’s water polo on the Olympics… I’m bored and hot, so I’m entertaining myself by sitting in my cold dark bedroom while looking at my funny Pinterest boards (I love you, funnyass pins. Shit does not get old), waiting for the awesome chile rellano casserole with roasted veg and turkey bacon to be ready. It’s like comfort food, but actually kind of good for you…or at least a lot better for you than most comfort food. I can’t believe it’s like 95 degrees out and I turned on the oven… Summer really really needs to just be over already. I’m am so fucking sick of the heat and humidity and all the bugs that have taken over the world. Spiders in my bedroom, all over the inside and outside of my house, nasty nasty flies all over in your face and annoying the shit out of you (regular and gnats), wasps trying to sneak in your house and hold you hostage by having you lock yourself in a room until someone else comes home to kill it or until you can muster up the courage to figure out how to kill it without getting stung a bunch of times. It’s so not fair that wasps don’t die after stinging you like bees do. They are evil.

Anyways. Now that I’m not concentrating on having a baby (even though I desperately still long for and need one) because I want to lose weight to increase my chances… summer is more on my mind and with my “reverse” or “summer” S.A.D. I am fighting every instinct to hibernate. Seriously. I soooo badly want to just take off work (life, really) until it starts cooling down and just hide in my dark cold bedroom and never leave until it’s comfortable out and the bugs are dead or hibernating till next spring.

Also, I hurt. The sun and heat and humidity affect my joints. I’m really sore and stiff. It doesn’t help that I had to stop taking my prescribed anti-inflammatory (prescribed for my back issues) and now ALL of my body is angry that I’m not taking it anymore. I was only taking it for like 2 weeks! I HAD to stop- it was making me feel ill, even when taken with food.

All of it keeps me in depression-mode and I really want to lose weight so that I can start trying again for a baby, but it’s hard for me to actually make myself chose and start a food and exercise program. Wanna know how mentally against it I am? I couldn’t even correctly spell “exercise”. I typed in “exorcise” first- as in “to drive out a demon”… which I guess isn’t entirely wrong. Maybe I just need to drive out the demon of fatness and laziness and overeating…

I GAVE MYSELF SHOTS EVERYDAY for the fertility treatments and I am terrified of needles. I can talk myself into that (and figure out how to kill or at least shoo a wasp out of the house) but I can’t talk myself into losing weight so that I can have a baby, which I want more than anything else on this earth?! It’s fucking asinine, but it’s so me.