hot and bitchy…

Oswald’s watching Men’s water polo on the Olympics… I’m bored and hot, so I’m entertaining myself by sitting in my cold dark bedroom while looking at my funny Pinterest boards (I love you, funnyass pins. Shit does not get old), waiting for the awesome chile rellano casserole with roasted veg and turkey bacon to be ready. It’s like comfort food, but actually kind of good for you…or at least a lot better for you than most comfort food. I can’t believe it’s like 95 degrees out and I turned on the oven… Summer really really needs to just be over already. I’m am so fucking sick of the heat and humidity and all the bugs that have taken over the world. Spiders in my bedroom, all over the inside and outside of my house, nasty nasty flies all over in your face and annoying the shit out of you (regular and gnats), wasps trying to sneak in your house and hold you hostage by having you lock yourself in a room until someone else comes home to kill it or until you can muster up the courage to figure out how to kill it without getting stung a bunch of times. It’s so not fair that wasps don’t die after stinging you like bees do. They are evil.

Anyways. Now that I’m not concentrating on having a baby (even though I desperately still long for and need one) because I want to lose weight to increase my chances… summer is more on my mind and with my “reverse” or “summer” S.A.D. I am fighting every instinct to hibernate. Seriously. I soooo badly want to just take off work (life, really) until it starts cooling down and just hide in my dark cold bedroom and never leave until it’s comfortable out and the bugs are dead or hibernating till next spring.

Also, I hurt. The sun and heat and humidity affect my joints. I’m really sore and stiff. It doesn’t help that I had to stop taking my prescribed anti-inflammatory (prescribed for my back issues) and now ALL of my body is angry that I’m not taking it anymore. I was only taking it for like 2 weeks! I HAD to stop- it was making me feel ill, even when taken with food.

All of it keeps me in depression-mode and I really want to lose weight so that I can start trying again for a baby, but it’s hard for me to actually make myself chose and start a food and exercise program. Wanna know how mentally against it I am? I couldn’t even correctly spell “exercise”. I typed in “exorcise” first- as in “to drive out a demon”… which I guess isn’t entirely wrong. Maybe I just need to drive out the demon of fatness and laziness and overeating…

I GAVE MYSELF SHOTS EVERYDAY for the fertility treatments and I am terrified of needles. I can talk myself into that (and figure out how to kill or at least shoo a wasp out of the house) but I can’t talk myself into losing weight so that I can have a baby, which I want more than anything else on this earth?! It’s fucking asinine, but it’s so me.



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