One-way ticket to insanity

I can’t take anymore of these flies in my house.

I hate flies so much- I’ve always hated them and thought they were disgusting because they walk all over garbage and poop and then want to land on your or in your food. Oswald makes fun of me because if there are flies around (or A fly in the house) I will cover my drink or my food so that it can’t be compromised by fly-nasties. I refer to myself as “The fly-assassin” because I’m really good at killing flies with whatever is within reach and even my bare hands if I have to. As long as it lands and it’s not way over head where I can’t reach it (although I do climb if I can), that’s a dead fly.

Earlier this summer I witnessed first-hand a case of “fly-strike” on 2 unbelievably precious baby cottontails. I was wondering what was wrong with these little bunnies that were out of their nest, looking like they were sunning themselves, but kind of hopping around in the little grassy area in a drunken manner- they were old enough (between 2 & 3 weeks old) that their eyes were open and they had all their fur, so they should have been moving around like a normal rabbit -and they just let me pick them right up!

Imagine that: a wild animal- just not even caring if you handle it! and a ridiculously cute one to boot. They each were about 4 inches long- just nestled in perfectly in the palm of your hand. Light as a feather, delicate as an antique china tea cup, soft as… well, they’re rabbits. You ever felt rabbit fur before? Beautifully soft, right?

…And then you notice the baby bunny is wet underneath and so you gently turn it over in your hands to find a wound on it’s belly, right next to one of it’s back legs. You panic. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, this poor little precious is injured! You bring it in to try to find something to put it in so that you can figure out what to do with it. Empty kleenex box works just great, just tear the top off, this baby’s not gonna jump out… Start frantically researching online what to do with injured baby cottontails and places that will take them (vet? wildlife center?) while still holding the kleenex box with the baby bunny in it because you’re afraid to put it down.

And then your boss comes over to see the baby and you flip it over to show her the wound… and you suddenly see maggots crawling in and out of it. The complete horror of that sight is burned into your memory forever. It’s something that you see when you close your eyes. Something that pops up in your brain randomly when you least expect it and the revulsion and torment of the vision send chills thru you and waves of nausea sweep over you.

You think I’m being overly dramatic. I’m not.

I went back outside to check on the 2nd baby bunny and it was even worse off than the 1st. It was  just barely clinging to life- it responded when I brushed it’s cheek with my fingertip and would move a tiny bit, but it was already becoming stiff. Long story short, the owner of my company (bless his heart for this- I forgive him for paying me bupkis for almost 4 years because of this deed) took them to a wildlife center in the area that is known for their rehabilitation skills.

ANYWAYS. Ever since then, my hatred of flies has grown a thousand-fold. I kill them with even more pleasure and violence than before. But now my house is infested with Green Bottle Flies. I’ve looked all over the fucking internet on how to get rid of them, but nothing seems to help. One of my aunts suggested a type and brand of fly trap that works wonders for her yard, so I actually left the house after I had already been home from work and had taken off my bra. You know that means I’m serious about ridding my house of these things. I put my bra back on and went to Home Despot, where I normally won’t shop because it smells like sawdust and is really dry and you can never find anyone to help you and you always have to park far away, to buy this type and brand of trap she suggested and brought it home and set it up. It smells, but not as bad as I thought.

3 days later, this trap has caught exactly 1 fly. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

These flies aren’t attracted to any food or garbage (although my sister did find maggots in the garbage can while we were on vacation and dutifully dragged it down to the garage and even picked up the maggots that had fallen out. I have not found a single maggot or larvae or pupae or ANYTHING since then. Only adult flies. And they’re only attracted to the light. So if I’m home during the day, I pull up all the blinds and slam away at numerous flies on the windows. At night I have to be careful to keep doors closed and which lights are turned on so that the flies aren’t in every single room. I kill as many that land as I can and am getting decently good at slamming some out of the air and then finding them stunned on the ground to smash them. It’s kind of hard though when all your flooring is dark…  Oswald thinks I’m out of my mind because I get all edgy and nag-y when he leaves the bedroom door open when the bedroom light is on. I can’t help it. The bedroom has to be my safe-haven. I can’t sleep knowing there might be flies buzzing around me, possibly crawling on me, infecting me with their plagues, laying eggs on me to hatch into maggots that will burrow under my skin and eat me from the inside out…

According to the internets, this type of fly likes to lay it’s eggs in freshly rotting meat, like a newly dead animal. Or like raw chicken in the garbage can. As far as I can tell, we don’t have any dead animals and the trash has been taken out numerous times. I’ve searched all over the house looking for where they could possibly be coming from but have yet to find anything. Besides insanity.


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