…Inspiration to lose weight?

My sister and I officially started tracking our calories again yesterday (on a new website- the old one started to suck hard after some changes they made). I have mine set up so that I theoretically should be losing around 2lbs per week… we’ll see how that goes. Last year I was able to lose 21 lbs with minimal effort, but that also happens when you are already morbidly obese… I stopped drinking all soda and started making better decisions about food. No exercise, no nothing else really.

After my last miscarriage (twins) I kinda fell off the wagon.  I’ve been so miserable & depressed, I can’t help but slide back into self-destructive behavior. I’m not a cutter, I’m an eater. Also I started feeling guilty about not spending much money at karaoke- I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol and I usually have to drive far-the-fuck-away so I really don’t want to get caught with a DUI or something (I’m a lightweight). So I started drinking soda again… and then I slowly started eating really junky food again. And then I gained back 10 out of the 21 lbs that I had lost.

It’s been seriously hard to find the motivation to start eating healthy again. Chances are I won’t be able to have a baby until I lose a significant amount of weight, but there is always the possibility that I won’t be able to have a baby even if I do lose a significant amount of weight and get my BMI back down to healthy levels… so you see my catch 22. We did 13 different blood tests  because of repeat miscarriages (although I’m not sure if we actually did some of the ones that I personally should have with my health background) and none of the tests came back with anything  suggesting that that was the cause of the miscarriages. Either we need to do MORE testing, or I really need to lose weight to make this happen. I should want to be healthy for my baby anyways… well, healthier. I’ll still always have a whole plethora of health problems, fat or no fat.

Anyways- I enjoy baking. I love to collect baking items and accessories. I go to the Wilton Tent Sale on occasion (when I remember it’s going on) and I love to browse online and in stores for new baking stuff. EVERYtime I see the cake pans that are in various shapes and there is the #1 pan, like for a baby’s 1st birthday, it knocks the wind out of me and just hits me right in the feelings. I want that! Why can’t I have that?! Why not me?! When’s it gonna be my turn? It’s worse than seeing a random pregnant woman show up. It reminds me how badly I want to have a baby and that I’ll possibly never get to throw a 1st birthday party for my own baby.

So today when I saw it on the Joann’s website on sale, after much deliberation, I decided to finally buy it. Maybe having it will remind me why exactly I’m trying to lose weight. And then if the miracle of all miracles happens, then I can use it for my baby’s 1st birthday party that I so desperately want to throw.

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