I just read an article about why women are choosing not to have kids. It’s very interesting and I even agree with some of them. But then I asked myself WHY do I want kids? And promptly blanked-out.
uhhh…. is it more than just primal instinct? Crap. Why do I want kids again? I know there’s gotta be multiple reasons! Yes, there is the biological need to have a baby that is screaming around inside my brain, but there’s definitely more reasons that I can’t even think of right now. I actually started wondering if maybe God answered my prayer of “If having children is not in my future, please take away this incredibly strong desire to have them.” But nope. It’s still there. (I actually do a self-awareness check for that exact thing every couple weeks, but the desire is always always there.)
So I started looking online. Google-searched “Why I want to have kids” to see if someone else can articulate it for me. No such luck. It only pulled up “Why I don’t want to have kids“. What the hell! I know there’s a shit-ton of mommybloggers on here that will tell you a million ways to Sunday why having kids is the bee’s knees.
My brain thankfully started working on its own again. I don’t want a baby to “save” my marriage, or to have someone to “love” me or “because that’s what everyone’s supposed to do” or because “everyone around me is having kids” (which they totally are, but that’s not why I want one)… Not only do I have a child-shaped hole in my metaphorical heart, I really honestly feel like kids are missing from my life. I know my child(ren) are going to be amazing, unique individuals and I can’t wait to meet them. No matter what happens (disability, etc) I know that I will feel 100% blessed by God to have that child in my life. I actually look forward to being pregnant- with all the joys and the discomforts. Delivery does not scare me. Teething, diaper changing, fussy nights, terrible twos, the teenage years… I welcome all of it. I will receive all of those experiences with a grateful heart. I will gladly give up sleep, sanity (not much left), entertainment, private bathroom breaks, my job (haha), everything to raise my kids.
I definitely understand why some people don’t want to be parents. It’s a life-long commitment. It’s expensive. If you have a great career or travel a lot, it probably is not something you want to give up. Some people have kids because they think they are supposed to and end up resenting or ignoring their kids. Raising children is not for everyone and I respect people who chose not to have children. I think there’s thousands of people who are parents but don’t deserve to be. Like the woman who super-glued her 2 yr old’s hand to the wall and then beat the shit out of the kid until she was unconscious. Or the meth-head who put her infant in the fucking washing machine and then passed out. Why are they blessed with children that they are just going to abuse/neglect/kill but I can’t carry a baby to full-term?
Either way, I still want a baby. And I really haven’t done shit towards having one. I still have a ton of weight to lose before I should re-start infertility treatments. Time is marching on and I’m only getting older and losing more potentially viable eggs…