Strength-schmangth

Every so often the realization hits me: I threw my best friend a baby shower 2 weeks after I had a miscarriage.

Holy shit people.

I’m not even sure how I did that. I do know that she is probably one of the only people  in the entire world that I could have done that for. If it was anyone else, I quite possibly would not have even been able to *attend* their baby shower.

Someone might point out that I was just being “strong”, but I can tell you right now that it’s probably not the case. I think it was most likely the power of my love for her and her peanut and also probably a hefty dose of numbness from the intensity of grief.

Regardless of how I pulled it off, I deserve a fucking medal for being such a fucking awesome friend.  (I know she appreciates it. This is my version of flexing in a mirror, since I won’t actually do it because it annoys the shit out of me when Oswald does it (all the damn time!)) (I love you Goober!)

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Someone please check on me December 6th. That was my twins due date and I know I won’t be ok. I will be at work that day, but it’s going to be rough. I will probably be holding my shit together with a prayer and a paperclip.

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I really need to post some funny shit on here soon. This shit’s depressing as fuck.

Too bad I’m trying to stay “incognito” because I want to post a link to my hilarious-ass Pinterest board like Jenny does, because Dayum I pin some funny-ass shit.  And a hell of a lot more often than she does. If you’re reading this, there is a 99% chance you know me, so go check out my boards and laugh your ass off. You’re welcome.

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…Inspiration to lose weight?

My sister and I officially started tracking our calories again yesterday (on a new website- the old one started to suck hard after some changes they made). I have mine set up so that I theoretically should be losing around 2lbs per week… we’ll see how that goes. Last year I was able to lose 21 lbs with minimal effort, but that also happens when you are already morbidly obese… I stopped drinking all soda and started making better decisions about food. No exercise, no nothing else really.

After my last miscarriage (twins) I kinda fell off the wagon.  I’ve been so miserable & depressed, I can’t help but slide back into self-destructive behavior. I’m not a cutter, I’m an eater. Also I started feeling guilty about not spending much money at karaoke- I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol and I usually have to drive far-the-fuck-away so I really don’t want to get caught with a DUI or something (I’m a lightweight). So I started drinking soda again… and then I slowly started eating really junky food again. And then I gained back 10 out of the 21 lbs that I had lost.

It’s been seriously hard to find the motivation to start eating healthy again. Chances are I won’t be able to have a baby until I lose a significant amount of weight, but there is always the possibility that I won’t be able to have a baby even if I do lose a significant amount of weight and get my BMI back down to healthy levels… so you see my catch 22. We did 13 different blood tests  because of repeat miscarriages (although I’m not sure if we actually did some of the ones that I personally should have with my health background) and none of the tests came back with anything  suggesting that that was the cause of the miscarriages. Either we need to do MORE testing, or I really need to lose weight to make this happen. I should want to be healthy for my baby anyways… well, healthier. I’ll still always have a whole plethora of health problems, fat or no fat.

Anyways- I enjoy baking. I love to collect baking items and accessories. I go to the Wilton Tent Sale on occasion (when I remember it’s going on) and I love to browse online and in stores for new baking stuff. EVERYtime I see the cake pans that are in various shapes and there is the #1 pan, like for a baby’s 1st birthday, it knocks the wind out of me and just hits me right in the feelings. I want that! Why can’t I have that?! Why not me?! When’s it gonna be my turn? It’s worse than seeing a random pregnant woman show up. It reminds me how badly I want to have a baby and that I’ll possibly never get to throw a 1st birthday party for my own baby.

So today when I saw it on the Joann’s website on sale, after much deliberation, I decided to finally buy it. Maybe having it will remind me why exactly I’m trying to lose weight. And then if the miracle of all miracles happens, then I can use it for my baby’s 1st birthday party that I so desperately want to throw.