Every so often the realization hits me: I threw my best friend a baby shower 2 weeks after I had a miscarriage.
Holy shit people.
I’m not even sure how I did that. I do know that she is probably one of the only people in the entire world that I could have done that for. If it was anyone else, I quite possibly would not have even been able to *attend* their baby shower.
Someone might point out that I was just being “strong”, but I can tell you right now that it’s probably not the case. I think it was most likely the power of my love for her and her peanut and also probably a hefty dose of numbness from the intensity of grief.
Regardless of how I pulled it off, I deserve a fucking medal for being such a fucking awesome friend. (I know she appreciates it. This is my version of flexing in a mirror, since I won’t actually do it because it annoys the shit out of me when Oswald does it (all the damn time!)) (I love you Goober!)
Someone please check on me December 6th. That was my twins due date and I know I won’t be ok. I will be at work that day, but it’s going to be rough. I will probably be holding my shit together with a prayer and a paperclip.
I really need to post some funny shit on here soon. This shit’s depressing as fuck.
Too bad I’m trying to stay “incognito” because I want to post a link to my hilarious-ass Pinterest board like Jenny does, because Dayum I pin some funny-ass shit. And a hell of a lot more often than she does. If you’re reading this, there is a 99% chance you know me, so go check out my boards and laugh your ass off. You’re welcome.
My sister and I officially started tracking our calories again yesterday (on a new website- the old one started to suck hard after some changes they made). I have mine set up so that I theoretically should be losing around 2lbs per week… we’ll see how that goes. Last year I was able to lose 21 lbs with minimal effort, but that also happens when you are already morbidly obese… I stopped drinking all soda and started making better decisions about food. No exercise, no nothing else really.
After my last miscarriage (twins) I kinda fell off the wagon. I’ve been so miserable & depressed, I can’t help but slide back into self-destructive behavior. I’m not a cutter, I’m an eater. Also I started feeling guilty about not spending much money at karaoke- I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol and I usually have to drive far-the-fuck-away so I really don’t want to get caught with a DUI or something (I’m a lightweight). So I started drinking soda again… and then I slowly started eating really junky food again. And then I gained back 10 out of the 21 lbs that I had lost.
It’s been seriously hard to find the motivation to start eating healthy again. Chances are I won’t be able to have a baby until I lose a significant amount of weight, but there is always the possibility that I won’t be able to have a baby even if I do lose a significant amount of weight and get my BMI back down to healthy levels… so you see my catch 22. We did 13 different blood tests because of repeat miscarriages (although I’m not sure if we actually did some of the ones that I personally should have with my health background) and none of the tests came back with anything suggesting that that was the cause of the miscarriages. Either we need to do MORE testing, or I really need to lose weight to make this happen. I should want to be healthy for my baby anyways… well, healthier. I’ll still always have a whole plethora of health problems, fat or no fat.
Anyways- I enjoy baking. I love to collect baking items and accessories. I go to the Wilton Tent Sale on occasion (when I remember it’s going on) and I love to browse online and in stores for new baking stuff. EVERYtime I see the cake pans that are in various shapes and there is the #1 pan, like for a baby’s 1st birthday, it knocks the wind out of me and just hits me right in the feelings. I want that! Why can’t I have that?! Why not me?! When’s it gonna be my turn? It’s worse than seeing a random pregnant woman show up. It reminds me how badly I want to have a baby and that I’ll possibly never get to throw a 1st birthday party for my own baby.
So today when I saw it on the Joann’s website on sale, after much deliberation, I decided to finally buy it. Maybe having it will remind me why exactly I’m trying to lose weight. And then if the miracle of all miracles happens, then I can use it for my baby’s 1st birthday party that I so desperately want to throw.
I started my day today just checking the headlines on my yahoo front page, seeing if there is anything worth reading. I see this story about babies being abandoned in Greece, Italy & Germany (All over Europe, but focusing in on these 3) because the economy is so bad and so many people are now at poverty level and can’t afford to feed the children they have or clothe them or keep a roof over their own head. It’s a horrible thing that these women must be feeling to have to give up their children to survive and in hopes that someone else can take better care of their child so that it can survive too. Can you just imagine?
My first thought was “Ok, I need to go to some country in Europe- there’s thousands of babies now to adopt and I can give one a good home.” But then my own brain kicks in and I can’t help but think: I can afford to have a baby. To raise it and feed it and give it a home to live in and clothes to dress it in… but I can’t have a baby because I am infertile. All these fertile women are being forced to give up their babies, but they can make all kinds more if they really wanted to (and probably will- if you can’t afford food, you can’t afford birth control), and my body won’t not kill a baby trying to grow inside of it. It’s fucked up, but that’s my brain.
And then another headline catches my eye: Paranormal State’s Ryan Buell is diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Wait, WHAT?! When did this happen? OMG. How awful. I used to watch his show ALL the time. Oswald used to get all “you don’t really believe this stuff, do you?” – totally skeptical, trying to call out everything on screen. I loved that show. I had a huge crush on Ryan. He’s my age. And Pancreatic Cancer is a really tough one to beat. Remember in that movie “Space Cowboys”- Tommy Lee Jones’ character had Pancreatic Cancer and knowing it was fatal, he volunteered to fly off with the satellite and land it on the moon so it wouldn’t go crashing to the earth or explode and hurt anyone? And the last shot was that he made it, sitting on the moon, presumably dead or enjoying his last view of the earth before succumbing to death. Patrick “the Swayz” Swayze died from Pancreatic Cancer. Steve Jobs died from Pancreatic Cancer. I’m already vulnerable from the first story, but after seeing this one, I seriously burst into tears. I can’t help it. Both stories just hit too close to home for me. And then I see this picture. And this one. And I’m really bawling by this time. I can’t stop because the world is just so unbelievably fucking unfair.
I’m sorry for 2 depressing posts in a row. No I’m not. It’s my blog and I created it to get my feelings out so they don’t fester inside and I have another nervous breakdown (4 years “sane” this month! whoo-hoo! <eye-roll>).
If you read this, please say a prayer for the abandoned or starving children of Europe- innocent victims who were born into an extraordinarily shitty economy. And say a prayer for Ryan.